Writing Your Vows: The Big Question
The blazing sun beats down from an azure sky bathing the white sandy beach in light and baking heat. I am standing chest deep in the Atlantic Ocean, bobbing and swaying along with the abundant bits of floating seaweed that hover on the sparkling surface of the water. I am thinking about my fiancée, our upcoming wedding, and most specifically my vows. I spent a very long time in that water: thinking, pondering, reflecting, writing, editing, rewriting, and generally losing myself in the rhythm of the ocean, letting my mind float along with my body. It was highly productive for me, that active inactivity, though I would later regret becoming so absorbed in my task as the ruthless UV rays of the sun found (and painfully exploited) the parts of my shoulders, flanks, and tops of my ears which I had missed with sunscreen. However, as I emerged from the warm waters onto that Florida beach, crispy-but-content, I had a strong outline for my vows along with some very specific phrases of which I was very proud. I was a lobster that night, but I was ready to write.
So now it’s your turn, but before putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as most of you will do), riddle me this…
Why are you marrying your fiancé(e)?
That is the key question to keep in mind for this process. You don’t have to get sunburned in the ocean to let your mind turn over the essence of why expressed as a function of how. The idea is to go deeper because the heart of good writing, be it vows or fiction or anything else, is that excellence is in the details and detail separates adequate from stellar. So instead of merely responding to my above inquiry that you’re marrying your fiancé(e) because you love them, get specific.
How does your person make your life better? What are the qualities about them that you adore? How do they make you feel when you see them again after an absence? Do you like who you are when you are with that person and why? How has that person made your life better than it was prior to meeting them? We are just brainstorming here, so there are no right or wrong answers, but keep some good notes on this that we can organize as we move forward. Off you go!
For serious…
Jot some ideas down and come back when you’ve answered those questions. While you’re doing that, I’m going out for tacos…
• • •
[Smacking lips in appreciation] Man, that was good. The al pastor was… oh, hey! Welcome back!
Okay, once you have reflected on who your person is and how they have ameliorated your life, let’s get those thoughts organized into an outline! Below are four possible section themes. There are many others in addition to these as well as many other formats, but let’s start here and try these on for size.
I: Declaration of Love – This is your opening section. Look into your partner’s eyes, say their first name, and tell them that you love them. Then tell them why. Answer a few of those questions and paint the picture of how you see your future husband or wife through your eyes. When I offer consultation for vows writing for couples, this often strikes them as deeply meaningful, because we all exist in our own heads and seldom do we get to see how we appear to others, let alone to the love of our life. Open your vows by acknowledging the love you have for your person and talk about why that is, which segues beautifully into…
II: Personal Anecdotes – … where you can talk about how that love developed. This is a good spot to remind your fiancé(e) how you both arrived here, from your point of view, while simultaneously relating your story as a couple to your audience. Remember that details are interesting, so, for example, if you met on Tinder, rather than merely saying something like, “We matched, I texted you and we chatted, then went on a date, and fell in love,” give us some context, zoom in on details, and tell your story: “I always seemed to only match with the weirdos on Tinder and every date I went on was like surviving an episode of some bizarre game show. Then your photo came up on my phone, I swiped right, and everything changed. I felt a natural chemistry with you from the first message and all of the sudden, we were texting for hours each night about our favorite true crime podcasts until my sleep schedule was so messed up that I completely missed my alarm that day and ended up skipping work to meet you in person. Even though I got fired because of that, it was the best day of my life… until today, that is…”. Keep it concise and don’t ramble; editing will help with this. Also be aware that, for the sake of your audience, don’t go overboard with mentions of your personal, esoteric inside jokes or private moments. Add some humor to balance the emotional contours of your vows, because the next two sections are going to be serious business.
III: Your Life Together and Promises – This section is for you talk about your hopes and dreams for the future. How do you envision your life after today? What life milestones or experiences are you excited to accomplish together? This section is where you can dream aloud. Then once you’ve described your goals for your marriage, then you explain how you intend to make them happen and call your shot. I mentioned this in a previous blog (I Thee Wed 02 – The Babe Ruth Method), but essentially here you will tell your partner how you are going to love and support them, to create an environment where you both can grow together and achieve those life milestones while becoming better spouses for one another and better people in general. This is a solemn part of your vows and probably the most important promise you will ever make to another human being, so reflect on this, speak from the heart, and believe in your words.
IV: Recapitulation – Congrats! You’ve made it past the hard stuff. Now it’s time to wrap it up. You’ve just allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and witnessed by your family and friends. Diffuse the tension by telling your partner that you love them again and perhaps thank them for joining you on this adventure. Make a final promise that is on the slightly silly side (“… and finally I promise to make room in our bed for your menagerie of stuffed sharks”).
In the grand scheme of things, none of this has to be fancy, just speak honestly. We will discuss style and finding your own voice in an upcoming blog, but for now, rest well in the fact that you’ve produced a decent first draft for your vows. No, you’re not finished yet! However, you have a roadmap now and we just need to polish it. Congrats! For the record, the above scene is true. I wrote my vows standing in the Atlantic Ocean on a vacation with my wife (then fiancée) to Florida. I edited and finalized my vows standing in the Pacific Ocean on a work trip to Southern California five days later. And while most of you will likely find it more productive to sit down at a computer and type out your thoughts, we all have different creative processes and floating around while talking to myself happened to work in this case. Stay tuned for more!
