Writing Your Vows: Part I: Sit Down Before You Begin

It feels like being back in school again…

A blank sheet of paper lies on the desk in front of you, maddeningly blank, and as you stare at it in consternation, it stares right back at you from a white abyss of nothingness, smug and defiant. You’ve had a year to complete this assignment and despite your best efforts, now it’s two minutes to midnight and that assignment comes due tomorrow at noon. You feel feverish and panicky, like if you just knew how to start, the words would come pouring out of you. No, it’s not a term paper on 20th century French surrealism… you’re trying to write your wedding vows. And you’re not alone.

My name is Sasha Mereu. I am an officiant for Silk & Shadows. Welcome to my blog series about writing your vows. Very briefly, I am a professional performance artist and veteran of 20+ years on stages around the world engaging audiences by acting, playing music, doing magic and grand stage illusion, and storytelling. I also have more than 30 weddings under my belt that I have officiated since I was ordained back in college. Finally, I am a husband and have successfully navigated the waters in which you now find yourself. Take heart, dear friend!

A quick disclaimer – it is completely okay if you decide not to write your own vows. If you decide as a couple that you’d prefer to use the traditional ones, that does not diminish your love or invalidate your marriage. If this is you, you can stop reading now. If you’re still with me, then listen carefully. My aim here is NOT to provide you with a one-stop shop of answers or a one-size-fits-all solution to what can be the scariest form of writer’s block ever. Afterall, nothing of value merely pops into existence; it is the work itself that goes into the achievement of the goal that creates that value. So then, I’m here to share some observations and experiences which will hopefully lead you to ask yourself the right questions which, in turn, will allow you to gather your thoughts, distill that which is in your heart, and pen what will likely be the most important and impactful words you will ever speak in your life.

Still with me? Good! Let’s go!

To begin with, let me reassure you that there is no right or wrong way to go about writing your vows, so long as you sit down before you begin.

“Come again, Sasha? Sit down before I begin?”

My wife is Russian and it is a tradition in that part of the world to sit down before starting off on a journey; it brings good luck. In this instance, it is a metaphor to take a moment before diving in and being certain that you and your fiancé(e) are in sync prior to putting pen to paper. Physically sit down together and discuss your expectations for what your vows will look like: length, subject matter, tone, theatricality to name a few elements. Have a conversation wherein you discuss what is acceptable and what is not. For instance, if one of you is a born performer and loves to be the center of attention, and the other person abhors public speaking and is hates having all eyes on them, you will end up with a situation where at least one party feels uncomfortable.

Imagine for a moment speaking your vows to your partner which you worked on for weeks and which comprise a single heartfelt paragraph that lasts all of 30 seconds, only to have your fiancé(e) go on for ten minutes while quoting Shakespeare and doing an interpretive dance that leaves you feeling like hurt and confused. Not because you didn’t like the vows, but because had you known, you might have loved to do your own interpretive dance about what love means to you and didn’t know you could do that! All joking aside, it can feel embarrassing if you under or over prepare and hurt feelings during your wedding are not the vibe! So sit down before you begin and communicate with each other! Set some guidelines. Here are two important specifics to talk about prior to the actual crafting of your vows.

Length – Be aware that time is relative and is therefore experienced differently by different people depending on the context of their attention. Think back to school and having to stand in front of the class to give a book report or oral presentation and the whole class is staring at you. Even when you were prepared, it was a torturous 5 minutes! Contrast that with the last time you engaged in something wonderful or pleasurable and how quickly it seemed to pass and then was over. A wedding ceremony can go either direction, so best to keep the length of your vows to something with which you are comfortable for both you, your partner, and the audience. 2-3 minutes is a good place to start and then via editing you can add or subtract as needed.

Content – This is perhaps the most important consideration when it comes to your vows, so let’s talk about that word for a moment. A vow is a solemn promise, but its essence runs deeper than just that short definition. A vow is a declaration of intention that you will make to the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life. This is your solemn promise to… what? We will talk about what those promises might be in subsequent blogs posts, but what I wanted to get at is that there is a level of formality which the word vow invokes. Every couple is different and the threshold for what different couples consider acceptable will vary widely, but be aware that these are not just words you are speaking, they are your declaration of intention for how you will enter into your marriage. Jokes and funny anecdotes can add flavor and color to the proceedings, yes, but be certain that you and your fiancé(e) have communicated what is acceptable and what is off-limits to each other. This is not a roast of your partner, but rather a time to speak from your heart to your person about why you chose them and those things that you promise to do to look after them, so as a basic guideline perhaps keep anything overtly sexual or deeply embarrassing for another time.

You don’t have to be serious the whole time, just understand that as the two of you embark on a life together where it is you two against the world, start that journey on the same page with the same vision of what those vows will look like. I recognize that there is a lot to process here, but it comes down to communicating with your partner and being intentional about how you approach this process. Be concise in your word choice and be cognizant of time.

You’ve got this!